Heart under construction.

Can I vent just a bit? Ok cool.

So here's what has been weighing me down...

I thought a mask could cover up this weight I have carried, but instead it keeps getting heavier. I don't want anyone to see this storm cloud that keeps following me around, but I'm only strong enought to hide it for so long, and then the storm comes so strong that it cannot go unnoticed...These are the times I wonder how it actually does go unnoticed. This is what I want to happen, right? At the same time, I can't help but feel completely alone even when I'm surrounded by faces...Especially when I feel like it's so obvious that I'm not ok.
Why do I desire earthly comfort to such an extent when I know how great our God is? I take that back...Our God is SO amazingly great, that I don't even posess the capacity to comprehend how great He is. Yet, I struggle to trust Him fully as a rock and a comfort. I know he is all I really need, but still I am not satisfied by His presence alone. This truly makes me question whether or not my faith is up to par, which makes me feel really guilty. I have a passion so strong in my heart for praising God, spreading His word, showing His love, and reaching out with His service...and I truly believe and trust that in Him, all things are ultimately going to work out, whether we see it or not. The thing is, I struggle SOO much with surrendering my own self completely to Him. I still find myself wanting to take matters into my own hands, wanting to have control over situations that make me feel helpless.
So if I know about God and his promises, and truly believe in them with all my heart, why is surrendering myself to His will such a challenge for me? Why do I feel completely broken when I should be confident in Him? Why am I not constantly rejoicing?

Well, these are my inner struggles at the current time.

That is all.

Rethinking...

We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. More and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, and is revealed in our love.

"We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to chose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries, and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers, bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home."

I think sometimes we can get so easily discouraged and wonder why things aren't changing or aren't turning out the way we hoped, but that is a part of this journey of following Jesus...Things won't always turn out the way we hoped, but we still have a responsibility and a calling to act, to do something...otherwise how will anything ever change?

I encourage everyone to seek their calling...to take a step back, a break from their routine. To think outside of what we hope for and expect to happen. He is callign YOU to follow Him, but have you become distracted along the way, wondering what went wrong?
I want to have a heart on fire for God, trusting and following His lead, through all the brokenness I have and may continue to encounter.

That is all.