Saturday, October 23, 2010

..Scream my lungs out to try and get to you..

..With you, it was never a clean break. My heart aches..and I'm forced to keep it contained. She wants you to change. But she doesn't see you the way I do. If it were up to me, I wouldn't change a thing. All that occupies my mind is how I want to be next to you.
She breaks up with you, and hangs you on a string... And I just want to show you that you're loved..
This whole time we've been apart I have felt like a vital piece of my heart is missing, and I tried to fill it with work and friends and music, and it stayed empty...until this summer when you kissed me again and my entire universe snapped back into focus for that hour that we spent together...And I wonder if you could look me in the eye and tell me that kiss didn't feel exactly the same as it did when we were together..
It's always going to be there between us...I can still see it in that wierd grin that you give me everytime we cross paths and make eye contact..
And somehow, no matter how many times I pray for God to just let me move on and stop feeling like I'm stuck in place while the world spins around me, I still have that hope that someday I can be with you again.
After all this time, you're still my only one.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The point.

With the constant ups and downs in our lives and in our world as a whole, we may spend time wondering, What is the purpose of life? That seems like a really vague and cliche question...but has it ever crossed your mind? I know it has crossed mine. What is the purpose of everything we experience? Of all the struggles we face? Of all the happiness and/or heartbreak we feel?
A quote I read recently really struck me and got me thinking about the answer to this seemingly unanswerable question. The quote was "Life is preparation for eternity."
Sometimes, my reaction to something I read is just a loss for every word except "wow." Then the thoughts and analyzations flood my mind to the point which I can barely keep up with them. This was one of those times.
"Life is preparation for eternity." Our bodies were not designed for immortality. They will not last forever. So what is the point in worrying about the way our lives are lived during the  years we have in these bodies? Eternity is the point.
Let me reference a Bible scripture here: "Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:25-26.
Since I'm a dancer, I for myself, I can relate life to ......a dress rehearsal. If it is faith we live by, we dress ourselves in love, humility, service, whatever we have to offer God, and the main point for all of our rehearsing is ...not the big dance recital, but in the case of life...eternity. We were made by God and for God. Once I thought about that, things suddenly made more sense.
So what about all the problems in life? Every person has problems. Life is a series of problems. We are either in one now, just overcoming one, or creating another one. So, if life is about God, and God is all that is good and perfect, then why is it full of problems?
Let me just whip out another bible scripture: " Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." -James 1:2-4
So, what does this tell us? The way I interpret it, is that God is more interested in our CHARACTER than our COMFORT. He wants us to feel happiness, yes...but he is more interested in our holiness. If we are perfectly comfortable and happy with our lives, then we are less willing to grow. We are likely to become complacent and build a home in the current state of happiness, because we are comfortable there. This is not what God wants for us. He wants us to seek HIM and to continue to seek HIM. This is why, I think, our earthly lives are for developing the perserverance which prepares us for what is to come. Everything is preparing us to be complete when we go from earth into eternity. We often hear people say "Everything happens for a reason."
All this is not to say that God doesn't want us to be happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but our personal happiness is not the goal. It's not the point. The point is to grow in character, and to become more Christ-like as our life proceeds.
We constantly have something good and something bad in our lives. The good and bad in life coexist. Things in your life may seem exceptionally good; there is still something that needs to be worked on. Things in your life may be a complete mess; you still have good things to thank God for. What we should be focusing on is our purpose. Focusing on our problems is what makes us the self-centered humans we are.
Instead of focusing on the pain of our struggles, we should put our focus on God and on others. Through our struggles, God gives us a testimony, a way to reach out and reveal his presence to those who may not know or accept Him. Then they may begin using their lives to prepare for eternity.
I ask myself: What do I want the driving force in my life to be? Is it material happiness, earthly comfort, guilt, or bitternes from the problems I am facing? Or will I choose to be driven by God's purposes for my life? My prayer is that I work toward fulfilling God's will for my lifetime on earth, so that I may be ready to join Him for eternity. I want to wake up tomorrow and say, "God, if I don't accomplish anything else today, I want to know you more and love you more."

Ok whew, that's enough to process for now.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Heart under construction.

Can I vent just a bit? Ok cool.

So here's what has been weighing me down...

I thought a mask could cover up this weight I have carried, but instead it keeps getting heavier. I don't want anyone to see this storm cloud that keeps following me around, but I'm only strong enought to hide it for so long, and then the storm comes so strong that it cannot go unnoticed...These are the times I wonder how it actually does go unnoticed. This is what I want to happen, right? At the same time, I can't help but feel completely alone even when I'm surrounded by faces...Especially when I feel like it's so obvious that I'm not ok.
Why do I desire earthly comfort to such an extent when I know how great our God is? I take that back...Our God is SO amazingly great, that I don't even posess the capacity to comprehend how great He is. Yet, I struggle to trust Him fully as a rock and a comfort. I know he is all I really need, but still I am not satisfied by His presence alone. This truly makes me question whether or not my faith is up to par, which makes me feel really guilty. I have a passion so strong in my heart for praising God, spreading His word, showing His love, and reaching out with His service...and I truly believe and trust that in Him, all things are ultimately going to work out, whether we see it or not. The thing is, I struggle SOO much with surrendering my own self completely to Him. I still find myself wanting to take matters into my own hands, wanting to have control over situations that make me feel helpless.
So if I know about God and his promises, and truly believe in them with all my heart, why is surrendering myself to His will such a challenge for me? Why do I feel completely broken when I should be confident in Him? Why am I not constantly rejoicing?

Well, these are my inner struggles at the current time.

That is all.

Sunday, October 17, 2010


We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. More and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, and is revealed in our love.

"We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to chose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries, and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers, bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home."

I think sometimes we can get so easily discouraged and wonder why things aren't changing or aren't turning out the way we hoped, but that is a part of this journey of following Jesus...Things won't always turn out the way we hoped, but we still have a responsibility and a calling to act, to do something...otherwise how will anything ever change?

I encourage everyone to seek their take a step back, a break from their routine. To think outside of what we hope for and expect to happen. He is callign YOU to follow Him, but have you become distracted along the way, wondering what went wrong?
I want to have a heart on fire for God, trusting and following His lead, through all the brokenness I have and may continue to encounter.

That is all.