Monday, October 18, 2010

Heart under construction.

Can I vent just a bit? Ok cool.

So here's what has been weighing me down...

I thought a mask could cover up this weight I have carried, but instead it keeps getting heavier. I don't want anyone to see this storm cloud that keeps following me around, but I'm only strong enought to hide it for so long, and then the storm comes so strong that it cannot go unnoticed...These are the times I wonder how it actually does go unnoticed. This is what I want to happen, right? At the same time, I can't help but feel completely alone even when I'm surrounded by faces...Especially when I feel like it's so obvious that I'm not ok.
Why do I desire earthly comfort to such an extent when I know how great our God is? I take that back...Our God is SO amazingly great, that I don't even posess the capacity to comprehend how great He is. Yet, I struggle to trust Him fully as a rock and a comfort. I know he is all I really need, but still I am not satisfied by His presence alone. This truly makes me question whether or not my faith is up to par, which makes me feel really guilty. I have a passion so strong in my heart for praising God, spreading His word, showing His love, and reaching out with His service...and I truly believe and trust that in Him, all things are ultimately going to work out, whether we see it or not. The thing is, I struggle SOO much with surrendering my own self completely to Him. I still find myself wanting to take matters into my own hands, wanting to have control over situations that make me feel helpless.
So if I know about God and his promises, and truly believe in them with all my heart, why is surrendering myself to His will such a challenge for me? Why do I feel completely broken when I should be confident in Him? Why am I not constantly rejoicing?

Well, these are my inner struggles at the current time.

That is all.

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