Thursday, November 15, 2012


I've been struggling with a deep sadness in my heart that never seems to go away. I struggle with jealousy, bitterness, inadequacy, and feelings of never being someone that someone else can love. I fear for my future.

Today, I was thinking about Job and how the recent series of events in my life reminds me of his story. It seems as if God has allowed Satan to enter the scene and sabotage parts of my life that I held very dear. All the while, I am trying and struggling to stay faithful to God and to not question His plan. I have striven to appear like I have it all together and that ultimately, nothing can put a dent in my faith.

Meanwhile, my heart is longing to cry out to God. I would imagine it sounding something like this: "This again? Really God? I thought things were looking up! I thought You were finally letting me have the desires I held so deeply. I am tired of hurting. I am exhausted from pretending I'm fine. Why can't I know what happens next?"

These are the things I think I need to meditate on...
  • Jesus warns us multiple times that life as a Christian isn't going to be easy. Basically, being a Christian puts a sign on our foreheads saying, "Please, make me suffer." or "Here I am, Satan!" What's important is that I am awaiting a prize that will far outweigh the suffering.
  • Falling apart all the time may not seem classy, but there is much more beauty in being vulnerable to God and transparent to others than in wearing a mask. God does not work in "clean" and "perfect" lives. He works in the mess. He works in the chaos.
  • When Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane, He prayed like this: "Father, if it is possible, take this cup from me... But YOUR will be done." If Jesus was able to pray this knowing that He was about to bear the wrath of sin of all humankind for all time, I should be able to step back and accept that God's will is the best will whether or not He takes away my suffering.