Thursday, November 15, 2012


I've been struggling with a deep sadness in my heart that never seems to go away. I struggle with jealousy, bitterness, inadequacy, and feelings of never being someone that someone else can love. I fear for my future.

Today, I was thinking about Job and how the recent series of events in my life reminds me of his story. It seems as if God has allowed Satan to enter the scene and sabotage parts of my life that I held very dear. All the while, I am trying and struggling to stay faithful to God and to not question His plan. I have striven to appear like I have it all together and that ultimately, nothing can put a dent in my faith.

Meanwhile, my heart is longing to cry out to God. I would imagine it sounding something like this: "This again? Really God? I thought things were looking up! I thought You were finally letting me have the desires I held so deeply. I am tired of hurting. I am exhausted from pretending I'm fine. Why can't I know what happens next?"

These are the things I think I need to meditate on...
  • Jesus warns us multiple times that life as a Christian isn't going to be easy. Basically, being a Christian puts a sign on our foreheads saying, "Please, make me suffer." or "Here I am, Satan!" What's important is that I am awaiting a prize that will far outweigh the suffering.
  • Falling apart all the time may not seem classy, but there is much more beauty in being vulnerable to God and transparent to others than in wearing a mask. God does not work in "clean" and "perfect" lives. He works in the mess. He works in the chaos.
  • When Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane, He prayed like this: "Father, if it is possible, take this cup from me... But YOUR will be done." If Jesus was able to pray this knowing that He was about to bear the wrath of sin of all humankind for all time, I should be able to step back and accept that God's will is the best will whether or not He takes away my suffering.


  1. Thank you for posting this! I have also been going through a time of difficulty, and it has been tough to trust in God's will. When things didn't work out as I had hoped for the future, I became frustrated with God.
    I think about what God has done, sacrificed his son for me while I spit in his face, the greatest display of love in history and then somehow I manage to doubt whether or not he cares about what's best for me in my life...How could we doubt in the face of this great love?

  2. There was a day several years ago, while I was still driving a big truck cross-country, when I was on the verge of hysterics. I don't remember the exact particulars, but nothing was going the way I wanted it to that day. With tears streaming down my face as I drove to make a delivery around Tampa, Florida, I screamed out-loud, "WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO HARD?" Almost immediately, our Heavenly Father clearly answered, "After all, why do you think it is called suffering?" His reply completely cracked me up, and I had to really struggle at keeping the truck going fairly straight while laughing so hard.

    My reaction was tempered from years of very painful struggles after our Heavenly Father started making Himself real unto me (as opposed to just being the prime character of a story in an ancient book). I hope the day will soon come when you will be able to have a laugh like that.

    Please do not think that I am now addressing you from a position of superiority. For I often feel like I am farther from "counting it all joy" than I was in the beginning, and I have spent most of my born-again life feeling more like a spiritual crash-test dummy than any sort of conquering hero of the Christian faith.

    No, it is really not fair, but I am more certain than ever that everything we are subjected to is for our Heavenly Father's glory and our ultimate good. In this, we can find hope. More importantly, in our Heavenly Father, we can find comfort, and since He has been actually speaking to each and every one of us since the womb, no one has to depend upon anyone or anything else to get them through each day.